Who Am I To Question My Captain’s Orders?

Envy reared its ugly head yesterday. Just last week, I felt an overwhelming sense of contentment, an overdue realization that I want for nothing. I could write an obnoxiously verbose post where I list things I am grateful for, but as that would likely make very dull reading for the rest of you, I’ll keep it confined to my journal.

So what happened yesterday?

I had the evening off work and found myself checking a social media platform I usually avoid (mistake number one). There, I caught a glimpse of an old peer’s life. Rather than closing the window, I did some investigating (mistake number two). I fell into comparison, trying to make myself feel better by looking for shortcomings in this peer. Predictably, this approach only left me feeling rotten.

German pastor and theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer once wrote, “Self-justification and judging others go together, as justification by grace and serving others go together.”¹ Envy arises when we try to justify ourselves over and against others, rather than resting in justification in Christ alone—when we look for others’ flaws to make us feel superior rather than finding satisfaction in our Savior.

I was convicted, quickly shutting my browser and tending to my own life once more.

Today as I mulled this episode over, I had a gentle epiphany: This peer is not my competitor but my compatriot. We are fellow soldiers. She has her marching orders and I have mine. She may be stationed amid foreign castles while I am quartered among rolling cornfields, but who am I to question our Captain’s battle plans? Who am I to doubt our General’s wisdom? Has He not seen and won far more victories than me? Does He not know where I will be most useful for the protection and expansion of His Kingdom?

And so, I will march on. I will keep my eyes locked on my mission, rather than looking skeptically at the missions of others. I will keep stewarding the work and ministries that I’ve been given. Through it all, I will keep thanking God that He is the one leading the charge. Like a skilled chess player, He is planning and directing my steps. I can’t even see one move ahead, no matter how hard I try. So why do I so often fall into comparison and envy, which are as pointless as a pawn complaining to its Player? (Or, to be more biblical, a pot critiquing its Potter.)

I do not want to waste my time staring at my fellow soldiers and questioning my Captain. I want to march straight and steady in the full faith of contentment.

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