Ryanne Molinari

13 October 2019

Los Angeles, California – A local church choir has been thrust into the spotlight as reports are circulating that its director’s eyebrows have been prematurely raptured.

“It was truly a miracle,” said long-time congregation member and greeter Jim Dennison. “I was sitting in the pews listening to the choir and suddenly I saw what I thought was a dove descending over the conductor—”

“—but it wasn’t,” added his wife, Donna Dennison, “It was the poor dear’s eyebrows. They lifted right off her face and into heaven.”

Reporters followed the rumors from the local Claim Jumper (where many congregation members lunch on Sunday afternoons) to First Episcopal Church, where they were permitted an interview with Mrs. Laura Bell, music director and eyebrow escape victim. However, while the ascension of her eyebrows took her by surprise, Mrs. Bell admitted that she probably had had it coming for years.

“You see,” said Mrs. Bell, “When the choir begins to go flat, I always raise my eyebrows to remind them to keep their pitch up.”

When asked what went wrong this time, she sighed and confessed that nobody in the choir simply had been watching. Instead, their pitch continued to sink and her eyebrows continued to rise. She lifted her brows so high, it seems, that the Lord decided to put them out of their misery and simply call them home.

“It was remarkable,” said First Episcopal’s Rev. Seymore Orwell. “Truly a sign from above. It reminds me of the famous line from Psalm 121, which I believe is, all things considered, perhaps more rightfully translated, ‘I will lift up mine eyebrows.’”

When asked what she plans to do next, Mrs. Bell shrugged. “I will be alright,” she said. “I face backwards during church anyway, the choir had a grand time regardless, and, frankly, I’ve always wanted to get bangs.”