In graduate school, I was plunged into the deep end as my peers casually threw around words like “apophatic” and I wondered what on earth I’d gotten myself into. Fortunately, I found my footing and had a wonderful experience after that initial disorientation.
One of my professors, an expert on theology and music, was known for his love of corny pop music. During one of our final classes before Christmas break, he remarked that he wished there was a Christmas song with the “sheer kitschy exuberance” of WHAM!’s “Last Christmas” as well as the high-brow language that filled our reading and papers.
My moment had arrived.
One of my favorite things to do is write songs—especially silly songs. I still have secret hopes of becoming a parody writer. For example, as an undergraduate, I rewrote the lyrics to “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” to accurately capture how music students feel in December (not remotely wonderful). You can listen to that below:
Anyway, that night, rather than working on papers, I wrote the following appalling yet surprisingly catchy song. Its lyrics will prove most hilarious to seminary or divinity school students who are growing sick of technical language. Also, please don’t judge the recording too harshly as I was recording pretty late and was trying to keep my voice low since the walls in student housing were thin.
Carol of Affordances (“This Christmas”) – extended edition
CHORDS – same as Wham’s “Last Christmas,” Preferably with jingle bells.
VERSE 1
This year for Christmas
I don’t want the typical things on the radio.
Don’t want my love to come home,
Don’t need my mistletoe.
VERSE 2
This year for Christmas
Instead of being cozy and warm,
I just want you to be
Theologically informed…
CHORUS
‘Cause it’s that cataphatic, apophatic
Season of incarnation.
We celebrate but can’t equate
That recapitulation.
Magnificats and caveats
Regarding kenosis—
It is…
The most epiphanic moment of the year!
VERSE 3
Won’t ask for much this year,
Not even pipes or tweed,
‘Cause what I want this year
Won’t fit under a tree…
Or will it?
CHORUS
INSTRUMENTAL
BRIDGE
‘Tis the time of
Reenchantment and extravagance.
Potentially postmodern
But religious in its affordances.
We’ll raise a glass
To philosophers past
As we analyze the intersection
Of temporality and eternal present…
CHORUS
VERSE 4
This year for Christmas
We won’t sing those kitschy songs on the radio
Instead of cocoa,
We’ll thirst for logos
This year on Christmas
I don’t want fairy light resplendence;
I just want to contemplate transcendence!
CHORUS x2
Ryanne Molinari 